What Held Me Back From My Proofreading Business Until Now

Hello and welcome, friends! I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad I'M here. I recently completed an online proofreading course that, if taken halfway seriously, one could complete in a month or two. How long did it take me?

FOUR. YEARS. And five or six re-starts.

Explanation Time

When I invested in the course four years ago, and in the idea of becoming not just a proofreader but also my own boss who could work from anywhere, I was in a relationship with a petty man who belittled, well, everything.

He mocked me with phrases like, "You and your editing shit." He insisted that the course was a scam, that "people like us" don't start businesses, and that it would never work out the way I wanted. I claimed that, while I was also uncertain, I believed it could work if I just try. Yet I never actually tried, especially not in front of him.

It turns out, I realized, that there's an extremely long and rich history of women believing the words of men. That's what I did. I believed him when he said I couldn't do it.

Even after I left him, I still believed him.

Backstory

I'm an aerial artist now, but back then I was still working toward becoming one. He didn't like that either. He bragged about me to his friends and family, but in private, every inch of success was met with, "So, what? You'll be gone more now?" (Um...yeah, dickhead. I'm a twenty-something with no kids! 🤨)

It didn't take long after leaving him to realize that he'd been jealous. I pursued my things. He never pursued his. And guess who he blamed. *blink...blink* After all, he bore the unjust burden of raising the puppy he insisted on raising.

"You realize I'm not in a position to be much help, right?"

"I work from home now, so I'M raising a dog."

"Okay, great, I'd love a dog! As long as we understand each other."

We did not.

Getting out of that relationship was the hardest thing I've ever done because before he sucked, I fell in love with him. I loved him so much that I made myself small for him. I know now that this isn't love, but that's a conversation for another day.

Getting out was damn difficult, but I did it! *fist throw* I did not, however, escape without bruises or trauma.

Big Again

Recovering from abuse is no joke. But now that I've gotten "big" again, thanks to time, therapy, and a ton of bubble baths, I realize that it wasn't just a man that held me back. My "why" was all wrong. I wanted to make our life together easier (for him) by earning more than "starving artist" money. I wanted to alleviate the guilt of being a burden. I wanted to be home more. For him.

I still want to graduate from starving artistry (which shouldn't be a thing), but now I want to do it by supporting women like you and me. Not the men who don't deserve us.

I believe our stories are immensely important, grossly under-shared, and undoubtedly manipulated if we leave it to men to relay them.

Twenty twenty was a total shit show, but it did show me that I'm not sleepwalking through my days anymore. I have the emotional bandwidth to do more than just survive and recover. Suddenly, I noticed that I actually have plenty of energy to give a shit about the oppressive systems that tell men it's okay to abuse and police it's okay to murder.

It only took a global pandemic and a massive social uprising. 🤷‍♀️

Shit to Say

Like most of you, I was taught, despite best intentions, that it's safer to be quiet and rude to make people feel uncomfortable. But for me, being quiet is even riskier. And causing discomfort is an act of love if you mean it to be, which I do.

I'm pleased to finally be here, ready to polish, care for, and be inspired by your stories. I know that sharing is terrifying. the last thing you need to sweat is the small stuff as you do so. Let that be my job.

Furthermore, I'm pleased to be here, in this blog space, ready to tell some of my own stories. This part is unexpected, frightening as hell, but also exciting.

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." - Maya Angelo

Don't I know it!

So yes, it took me four long years to get here, but now, I can't wait a second longer to connect with you through the shit we have to say. Rage on, story warriors! ✊🏻

<3